As an update, I was laid off twice in a year. The field I built 9 years of expertise in doesn't really exist anymore. I am currently working a job I enjoy, but the hours are far from ideal. Money is tight. Working evenings and weekends has me isolated and lonely. I processed this a few nights ago with an Instragram caption that hit too close to home. So I brought it here instead. Photographs are from the practice I discuss.
I had a quite a string of good days. But my work schedule has felt especially restrictive this weekend. I missed two annual parties that I love. Our tree decorating process has been broken up into days because we just aren't home at the same time. And I just don't know when or if it will change.
I wanted strawberry pop tarts out of the vending machine. But instead, I went to the wall in my office.
As I moved, I allowed my mind to just go.
I let the fear and the worry and the anger just go. I didn't fight it. I didn't argue with it. I just allowed it. All I want to do is cry and hide. And I didn't do either of those.
I think it comes down to this. I have had really hard holiday seasons in the past decade. Two in particular. But I still had joy. I still had love and light and joy and family and friends. But this year, I feel like it is happening without me.
I know things could be worse. I know I could not have a job. And I am thankful that I have a job. But that doesn't mean that I can't be sad and lonely too.
One of the biggest things that I have learned from my yoga practice is that I can hold two opposing things at once. A physical practice can leave me feeling both challenged and rested. I can feel pushed and still relaxed. I can be thankful and sad. I can feel blessed and overlooked.
At the same time.