the fear of falling

Something happened that I am terrified of.

I slipped on ice and I fell.

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Falling has always terrified me. I think it comes from a history of not knowing exactly where my body is in space. Of not knowing exactly how to control my own movements. Of not feeling secure and stable on my feet or in my body. I am the person who always holds the handrails going down stairs. I reach for Nathan's arm if we are walking in snow. I choose my shoes for winter days depending on the level of tread that I need.

I have fallen before. I am especially uncoordinated while running. I have scars on my knees and elbows to prove it. But those feel more like badges of honor. Battle scars from a time in my life that I am very proud of. But falling because I am clumsy or (wince) fat? That would be the worst.

I didn't even think about falling. Yes, there was snow on the ground, but it was a few degrees above freezing. I chose my sneakers because I was going to pop into the gym before lunch. I grabbed my purse, headed out the door, and drove to breakfast with a client. I got out of the car. I started bebopping across the parking lot. And plop.

I felt my left foot do something weird. Wait. Where did the ground go? What is my leg doing? Where is it going?

It felt a little like slow motion. My initial reaction was panic, but then I felt my body just kick in. I felt my right foot stabilize. I felt my butt lowering in what (shockingly) felt controlled. It felt like a quick single-leg squat on my right foot as my left leg had a mind of its own. And, the next thing I knew, there I was. In the middle of the parking lot. In a non-twisted version of Marichyasana.

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It wasn't a boom, or even a crash. I landed in a nice plop.

I know the importance of stabilizing before I move. I did a quick scan. Nothing felt jarred. I ddin't even bruise. My irritated back didn't feel any more irritated. This was the best possible fall.

And as I rise, I realize that I had accidentally popped this beautiful yoga pose in the middle of a parking lot right in the middle of a puddle.

So I can now say that I've eaten breakfast and conducted a coaching session with a very VERY soggy bottom.

I think this moment is so telling about my last year. I have been so afraid of how things would turn out. What would happen when I lost my job. What would happen when our financial situation changed drastically. What would happen when no one showed up for my yoga classes. What would happen when I started telling strangers that I teach yoga.

Sometimes it has been hard. It hasn't been easy. But when I have fallen? I have just plopped. I haven't crashed.

Maybe my fears just aren't that valid.

And maybe yours aren't either.

Finding Space is a six-week yoga program to help you find and take up space. Space in your day. Space on your mat. Space in your life. On your terms.

Beginning March 6, you will receive a video practice (or two) each Sunday morning for six weeks via email. Links will go to video classes that are yours FOREVER. 4 60-minute practices, 2 20-minute practices, and 2 10-minute practices. Over the course of the week, we will practice and process together. Yoga classes, journal prompts, and a private facebook group just for this class.