I hesitated for a day before I published this. And then I checked my stats. 24 people read my last post. So, sure! I'll hit publish!
Some days, I come to my mat asking what I need to work out. Physically. Where do I feel tight? Where do I feel antsy? What does my body need?
For the month of October, I am working on the same physical asana sequence each day. So when I stepped on my mat and asked what I need to feel, the answer was clear.
I don't feel a lot of hope right now. I feel really discouraged.
There comes a point when a person looks back at a course of a career and sees that the self is the common denominator. That maybe the reason I have gotten (what I identified as) screwed out of so many opportunities was me. Not because of politics or oversight or bullshit, but me.
I have a very distinct memory of sitting and crying with a coworker because an intern had gotten a promotion that I was the most qualified for. I was told not to take it personally, that the manager liked a certain hair color and body type that I just didn't have.
I remember being promised another promotion just to learn that my previous boss had blamed me for her ridiculous oversight. Even though my company wanted to put me in the position, the customer wouldn't allow it.
I remember an amazing interview with my direct supervisor and being told that this promotion was in the bag. We even talked about the house updates I'd do with the raise. And then the interview with her boss was surface and insulting and he was not even interested in me. I learned that I didn't get the job when I was introduced to the person who did.
I was laid off twice in a year. And now I am in a job that requires a high school diploma, even though I am a licensed clinical counselor. I work evenings Friday through Tuesday. I am lonely and isolated.
It is meaningful work, but it is not using any of my talents. I just don't know where to go. I have been out of my field of training for too long to be welcomed back. And the job that I did for 9 years that required more skill and talent just doesn't exist anymore. (This is one place where "Thanks, Obama!" might actually be accurate. But I will gladly take the professional hit in exchange for the thousands of people that qualify for health coverage. I mean that. Gladly.)
I am working crappy hours. Evenings and weekends. I am alone almost all of the time. I have no social life. I don't get to see my friends. I am still needing to budget in a way that exhausts me. I am just tired. Tired, tired, tired.
When I stepped on my mat today? I needed hope. That is what I needed to feel.
I needed hope to show up when my practice was over.
But it just isn't there.
And that's where I need you.
I came across this article from Danielle LaPorte. She writes about asking those around her for help. And I was like, "Nope. I can't do this. This isn't me." And, you know what? It isn't. But I don't particularly feel like me right now anyway.
Sisters (and you one mister). I’m on the verge of nuts but awesome. Can you, for real, send prayers up for me this weekend? A meditation. A candle lit on your altar. Whatever feels right. Anything. ~ Danielle LaPorte
This is where I am. I am on the verge of nuts, but awesome. I have so much going right in my life. I have a few amazing projects on the horizon. I have found my jam in teaching yoga. I love my coaching clients. But I'm on the verge of nuts.
So I'm asking you. Can you, for real, send up prayers for me? Prayers that something will work out career-wise for me. Prayers that I can somehow reconnect with my husband and my family and my friends. Prayers that either Option 1 will work out and we can figure it out financially. Or that Option 2 will come through despite the odds. Or that, God forbid, I can job hunt AGAIN and find something financially and spiritually fruitful.
When you need back-up on your divine petitions, give someone the honour of lending you their faith. ~Danielle LaPorte
I need backup. I need your hope, my friends, because mine is pretty dried up. And I thank you in advance.