He is Solid. I am Softer.

I've been doing a lot of yoga with Dana and Jessamyn lately through the Cody app. And one thing that Dana says regularly is that strength builds in layers.

It isn't just strength, Dana. So many things build in layers.

New ideas go something like this for me. I think something may be true. And then I entertain it. And then I marinate in it. And then I let it swim around in my head and see if it makes sense with the rest of my beliefs. And then I think I believe it. And then I know it but am not sure I can translate it into feeling it. And then BOOM. There it is.

I think this is how body acceptance has happened for me. I don't know where it started, but way back when I was running on the regular, I knew I had an atypical body shape for a runner. But I ran anyway. When I started yoga, I knew I didn't look like anyone in a yoga magazine. But I did yoga anyway. I helped my clients process their body worries and built routines and habits based on strengths and joy, but I still found comfort in calorie counting sometimes. I removed all the clothes from my closet that don't fit. I cut bangs because - and only because - I love them. I started to actually enjoy watching my own yoga videos. All of this made sense on a logical level, but emotionally? That process continues.

But I feel like I made a huge step the other night. Out of the blue and to my total surprise.

FullSizeRender.jpg

I got home from work around midnight. I woke Nathan up from the couch and we went to bed. I cozied up to him in my spot with his arm around me. As his breath slowed and deepened, I started thinking about how perfectly our bodies match who we are.

He is lean and solid. He is unwavering and predictable and just, you know, solid.

I am softer. I have a few more surprises. I'm a more mushy and I give easier and I'm just, you know, softer.

In that moment, my view of my belly changed. It wasn't something that I tolerate, it became something I have fondness for because it represents who I am. I poked and squeezed and thought, "Yup. I'm squishy. I'm pliable. I am soft. That is me."

This realization shook me in the way I imagine a wet dog feels after a good shake. Once stillness came back, everything felt like it landed in just the right place. And it took everything I had not to wake Nathan up and tell him all about it.

So, instead, I'm telling all y'all.