I am feeling such a need to become. To shift. To somehow just figure out where I am supposed to be. All of these seeds I have planted. All of these seeds I have tended to with such love and care. How are they growing? What are they producing? What do I let go and what do I continue to feed?
First, though, I am starting to let go of things. I ran my numbers, looked at where I was getting students, and pulled the plug on three of my six yoga classes. It was a really hard decision to allow myself to let things go, but when I looked at the data, the decision was so incredibly clear. I'm still struggling a little that they didn't work out, but I now have six (SIX!) hours free in my week during the holidays. I have plans to reassess and adjust to see if I can make them work in another way at the beginning of the year. I am looking at this as a huge learning experience.
I need to make decisions in the next few days. How do I best spend those six hours. I have so many plans that I need to choose from. Do I go ahead and finish the Vital Pursuit series that I have started and planned? Do I let that go for now and put my energy into a Just The Way You Are series for the new year? Do I put all of that energy into creating an Instagram challenge for Advent that I have mostly outlined?
I don't know if any of them would be financially viable. I don't know where to best spend my energy and time. And I hate that I have to think, in each moment, where I stand to make even a little bit of money.
I am in that space where my options have caused me to just about seize up.
And then there is the big picture. I am so fighting the urge to give up. To go back to a "real" job that comes with a livable salary. To find the security of my old life. To return to that 9-5 and life coaching. To a predictable schedule. To days free of disappointment and fear and financial stress. To weekends away to Asheville. To dinners out when I am too tired to cook.
But my heart says STAY HERE. My heart says BE STILL. My heart says YOU HAVE THIS. But this voice gets a little more timid each day. The tone gets a little more unsure. I have moments of absolute conviction, but they are fewer and farther between.
I don't know what I am going to do, I just know that I'll figure it out. I'm trying to just trust my ability to figure things out. To give my all and not be attached to the results. To approach things with curiosity instead of expectation.
So that's where I am. I'm not trying to tie it up nicely and put a pretty bow on it. I'm just trying to be honest. To be me. To let you see.