So I read this blog from January, and I don't know exactly what to think. I am still in such a similar spot, but I'm not any closer. I still want her back desperately and I have faith that I will get her back, I just don't have enough space and attention necessary to woo her right now. I don't know what to do with these feelings, I just wanted you to know that I still have them. Things have changed. I did a few months of Precision Nutrition, but when it felt like more of a burden than a support, I withdrew from the program. I am no longer logging my food on Instagram because it felt really...pressured. I know what has worked for me in the past, but I do not know what will work for me presently. I am feeling good with eating and moving intuitively, and I will tell you more in the next few days about how I am finding accountability today.
I did a lot of prep work, a lot of reflection, to get ready for 2014. Workbooks, journaling, planning, lots of it.
And what I’ve realized is that I’m not okay right now. I may be happy, I may be content, but I’m not okay.
I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense, but hear me out.
I accomplished a ton of things that I intended to accomplish in 2013. And the things that I didn’t accomplish were amendments that I made along the way, amendments that were actually just changing my mind. Not amendments out of fear or frustration, but amendments of want.
But what I didn’t plan on? What I overlooked because it wasn’t on my list?
My weight came back.
Most of it.
So much that I am embarrassed to tell you about it. So much that I am shocked and horrified. So much that I am fighting tears as I’m writing this.
And I am not okay with that.
I have a lot of goals for myself – for my business, for our finances, for our home – but if I’m sick and limited by my weight, what fun is any of it going to be?
So I’m taking the call out that I received from a friend. It is time that I do for myself what I am asking you to do: I am investing in coaching. For myself.
There are a lot of reasons that is scary. First, I am stubborn and I don’t like to be told what to do and I think that I know what is best for me. This came out loud and clear while I was just watching the intro videos and lessons. (I’m praying for my coach already, and I won’t “meet” her until Monday.)
I worry about what I will have to give up to devote myself to myself. Realistically, it is probably just tv, but I’m convinced that other areas of my life will suffer. Deep down, I know better, but it isn’t the deep down voice that speaks the loudest.
It is also scary because the possibility of failure is always right behind hope. Right there, taunting me. Laughing at me. Telling me that I might as well just give up, that I don’t have the time or the energy or the ability to get my crap back together. Immediately following the excited “I can do this!” is a sinister and doubting “oh really?”
But what is more scary than learning how to listen and shutting that voice up? Not changing.
This isn’t just “I’ve put on 10 pounds” stuff. I had a weight that I said I’d never get back to. Ever. Not only am I there (and I have been for a while, honestly), it is like my favorite bed and breakfast. That scary number has welcomed me with open arms. It put fancy sheets on the bed, brought in a complimentary wet bar, and has ordered a SVU marathon for me. It has welcomed me with open arms. And late night cereal and missed runs and stretchy yoga pants.
I don’t want to get comfortable here, friends. It isn’t good for me. It isn’t good for my head. It isn’t good for my body. It isn’t good for my marriage or my friendships or my coaching. It just isn’t good for me.
I want her back.
And I’m gonna go get her. No matter how scared, how angry, how difficult.
So what am I doing today?
- I’m back to logging my food on Instagram. It isn’t just a food journal (still lots and lots of cats!), but all eats will go there. I will not send to twitter, but I need the accountability somewhere. And taking pictures keeps me mindful.
- I am working with Precision Nutrition starting Monday. I did a ton of research and read everything I could get my hands on about them and their process. Their weight loss coaching philosophy is very VERY similar to my life coaching philosophy. So it really feels like a good fit.
So that’s me. Getting honest. Getting real. Let’s do this.