I spend 75 minutes on my mat almost every day. And I ask myself a lot of questions.
How does this feel?
Is this enough? Is this too much?
Do I need anything? Would I feel better if I had a block? Would I feel better if I moved this blanket away?
Do I want to stay here a little longer? Do I want to go ahead and back out?
I find myself asking myself similar questions. Almost all of the time.
How does this meal feel? Would I rather have something else?
Do I need more? Do I need to stop before my plate is close to empty?
Am I hungry?
And I'm allowing myself to answer - and respond - without guilt.
The other night, I was huuuuungry. I had joined Nathan at the brewery, after my yoga class and his run. The thought of going home and cooking a chickpea stew was just unfathomable to me. I wanted protein and I wanted it now. So we went across the street and I had a smoked pulled chicken sandwich. And a few fries. And it was exactly what I needed.
Yesterday, we took a coworker out to lunch. I ordered a big chicken salad. I had a yeast roll (because how often do I have those?) and I guess it expanded in my stomach or something because when my salad came? I didn't want it. At all. I ate a few pieces of chicken and half of a boiled egg for some protein, and called it a day. I had it boxed up and Nathan has lunch for today. I didn't feel like I should eat it because I needed more food. I respected my body. (And maybe I won't have an entire roll next time.)
For the first time, I am eating well with ease from a place of respect, not restriction.
Don't get me wrong, I do have some patterns, but they have come from a place of study and response of my specific body and feelings instead of what someone else is telling me I should eat.
Am I losing weight? I wish I could say that I don't think about that, but of course I do. But I don't know. The scale is hidden. What I do know is that I feel amazing. And if that comes with weight loss, BONUS POINTS! But if not, that's okay. That is not my motivation.
After all of these years of trying to like my body, I am feeling a shift. And it feels like a weight is being lifted. That I am actually forming a healthy relationship with my body.
I am not determining my satisfaction with my body based on a number or a reflection. I am learning to treat my body with loving kindness, respect, and curiosity. With food.
Instead of trying to make my body please me, I am trying to please my body. And we are working together instead of being in a battle.
I like this peace.