I've spent the last few months in a place of evaluation. What do I want? How do I get it? How do I maintain my relationships and my sanity and my sleep schedule? How do I make time for all the opportunities and goals I have in front of me? And I've realized that all of these things I want to do - the marathon, self-employment, being in amazing shape - they don't have to happen right now.
Just because I'm not doing something right now does not mean that I won't do it or that it isn't important to me.
I can express my desires, my "chances," and put them aside. And trust that I will return to them when I have time and energy. Because they aren't going anywhere. Because they are who I am. And the opportunity to choose what I want to do, from day to day, inside the boundaries of my "chances" has shifted my attitude.
I will not run a marathon in November. For those of you keeping track, this is the third marathon I have registered for and not completed. My body just isn't feeling it right now. I could do it, but I would hate it. So I'm not going to. I will keep running - 2 halfs left this fall, 3 or 4 this spring - but in a way that I can manage without feeling like it requires a lot of focus and structure.
And I'm coaching now from a place of love. Not to pay off bills, not to save money, not to make a move toward self-employment. I'm coaching because it is what I want to do. Because I love being involved in your lives. And I'm doing so without financial expectations or goals. It is all for the love.
I have chosen to put my goal pursuits back into a hobby category because the things that used to define me - before running and coaching - are making noise again.
I am cooking again. Several times a week. Sometimes - like last night - I made a soup from a recipe and then kept adding to it from the pantry until we had pumpkin lentil curry. It was very tasty and I felt super accomplished.
For Christmas this year, I'm asking for financial contributions for a new camera. I miss tangible creativity, and I feel like that is my medium. And I want to have the necessary tools when I'm feeling the urge to make art.
Will I run another marathon? Yes.
Will I coach full-time? Possibly.
But in a quieter time. Because right now? My heart is making a lot of noise. And I'm listening to it.
(And while I have your attention, have you signed up for my Thankful in November series? I'm so excited to bring it to you!)