I know that we all have limits. I know that I work with some of you to develop and hold realistic expectations for yourselves. But I am terrible at listening to myself. I have had to realize that I can't do everything I want to do. I just don't have time or energy or space in my life.
Can I be an amazing wife? Absolutely.
Can I be a rockin' running group leader? You know it!
Can I work a full-time job and meet expectations there? I have for a dozen years or more!
Can I build my own business? I've made a great start!
Can I train for a marathon? Yup!
Can I eat and cook in a manner that keeps my weight under control? I've done it before so I know I can!
Can I budget and restrict and still be happy? Yes!
Can I maintain close, personal, supportive relationships with not only my friends but also small groups of likeminded people? I sure can!
But can I do all of these well at the same time?
Not even close.
And that has been a really hard realization for me.
Over the past month, I've been setting up new boundaries. I've been making difficult choices. I've been scraping and rebuilding and redefining. And it hasn't been easy.
But I've been doing so from a point of panic. From a place of begging. Please, please, please find a way to keep all of these plates in the air. All of these plates are important to me. I need to readjust. To tweak just a little. If I just keep trying different ways of balancing, I can do this.
But that just isn't true.
And the severity of the situation came to a head when I stepped on the scale last week. And I've got to get my health behaviors back under control.
No matter what the cost to all of the above - except people. Relationships aren't negotiable.
Here's the thing. Maintaining a healthy weight is HARD WORK. I haven't put weight back on by eating fast food or binging. I eat a donut maybe twice a month. I eat veggies and lean proteins and lots of beans. And I run all of the time. I do eat at a Cajun restaurant weekly and from the Greek food truck once and a while. But the majority of my meals are, honestly, pretty stinking healthy. Weight has found me because I have chosen foods of convenience. And, even though I have made the best possible choice 90% of the the time, that is not enough for me. And I've got to accept that.
I sincerely don't think I'm in denial here. And I don't think I'm being dramatic.
So what does weight management take?
Time - menus, grocery lists, shopping, cooking - even when I am exhausted and it is late.
Focus - not straying. bringing my own food sometimes. Not letting my guard down and letting myself think that something is okay "just this once."
Boundaries - saying no to dinners and drinks sometimes. not being afraid to say, "that isn't in line with my plan and wants right now." and telling others about my boundaries so they can call me out when I'm not acting within my intentions.
Energy - following the plan, cooking, yoga, running, planning, recording. no matter what. even when I'm tired or in a social situation.
Discernment - do I want a treat because I want it or because it is truly special? (truly special is OKAY! - like vacations or weekends with friends) do I want to skip this run because my legs are toast or because I am lazy? am I truly making the best possible choice in this moment?
I'm still hammering out exactly what this is going to look like for me. But finally admitting that what I'm doing isn't working for me? And acknowledging that I will have to say no to other things I want and love in order to say yes to me? That was the turning point.
And I'm saying yes to me today.