if you want what you used to have...

My life is in a really bizarre spot right now. I've never been busier, but I've also never been happier. Right about the time I finally decided not to run the marathon, I was in a very anxious place. Everything seemed just too overwhelming. Working full time + run group + part time coaching gig + part time school + running on the regular just seemed like too much. I had let my health slide, just because I was choosing convenience over the big picture. And I didn't see any way out of that.

Now that classes have started (which I am totally in love with), I know exactly what I am up against. Having all the information has helped me to feel like things are manageable. I can plan, I can create structure, I can get myself together.

And I have. I've got a plan. I've got a structure. I have everything written out on my calendar nicely for the next 8 weeks. It feels good.

But what doesn't feel good? My clothes. I can tell that I've put on 15 pounds. And I have gone from a place of being okay with that to wanting them gone.

A few weeks back, we were sitting in church listening to a sermon on romantic relationships. He talked about how easily we drift away from the good times without even noticing it. And then he said this:

"If you want what you used to have, do what you used to do."

He was talking about flowers and notes and attention. But I took that comment through the lens of my health.

If I want what I used to have - comfy 10s (even that one pair of 8s), contentment in the mirror, flexibility in yoga, ease in running, just being comfortable in my skin - I have to do what I used to do.

And, for the first time in months, that thought didn't exhaust me or put me into panic. Instead it was like a rally, a battle cry. Weight loss went from something that was overwhelming and scary to something that I was like "pssssh. I know how to do that!"

I've started small. I backed off running last week and did some cross-training. (That is the total key to weight loss for me.) I haven't been paying attention to my calories, but I am focusing on healthy foods. I feel like a store with a soft opening. I'm not shocking myself. I'm easing back into what I used to be.

I'm not going to make some big "I'M BACK!" cry because, please, I've been there before. All I'm saying is that I'm ready. There's room in my life now. I have things I want to accomplish that will be easier if there's less of me. Even if I just get back to where I was in the fall, I'll be content. I mean, I'd love to see my goal weight by July, but I'll be content just being at my lowest adult weight.

March is utter pandemonium. Utter. There is a race - and hence a huge social aspect - every weekend in March. We are going to Asheville this weekend. Then Erin and Levi will be here for a few days. And then Erin and Brenna will be here for the half-marathon. I'm starting to promote a few new business ventures. I'm in class two nights a week. But it is also a big chance for me to prove to myself that I can make a commitment like this. If I can do it now, it'll be cake when things settle down.

I'm making a workout plan. I'm making menus and grocery lists to have at the ready. I'm doing everything I can to recreate the lifestyle I had last summer and fall.

Because it works. I'm just gonna do what I used to do.