no one but me

So I've been struggling lately. If you have spent any time around me, you're shaking your head in agreement. I have a marathon at the beginning of March. And I am planning on doing another the beginning of May.

And the thought of that second marathon just doesn't make me happy. At all. For a variety of reasons. It just doesn't feel like what my heart wants to do right now. I've got a lot on my plate. I'm physically exhausted. I feel really good, but I can feel myself starting to wear down. And I don't like it.

I just don't want to run a second spring marathon. Yes, I'll be trained up for it. Yes, I love the Flying Pig. Yes, I'll have plenty of friends there. But my heart just isn't in it. At all. 

Bottom line (I think)? I love running with people. I love training with people. I love my friends. But there is no one I know running my marathon pace at either marathon. And I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to have a terrible time (as in enjoying myself not actual finishing time) because I don't want to run alone. I just don't know if I want to run for 5+ hours by myself. I'll do it at Asheville because I'm already registered and it is in Asheville. But I can't make myself register for the Pig.

I'm really enjoying May Cause Miracles, and today I was challenged to notice self-attack and self-judgement. And there is a lot of judgement going on around the second marathon.

  • You call yourself a coach. You should be training for a marathon.

  • What are people going to think if you back out of this race you've been talking about? How will that change their perception of you?
  • You preach making life fit and finding a way to meet your goals and now you want to back out on one. Why should anyone listen to you?
  • Buck up, sister. You are a marathoner. You may not enjoy it, but you can do it. Put your big girl panties on and just run alone.

But I don't want to. And there's no one but me telling me that I should. No one. Just me.

Two marathons in two months? That's insane. I've been pretty much on a marathon schedule since July (but took 2 weeks off and missed my fall marathon due to tendonitis). I haven't even registered for the Pig yet, so I'm not even out any money. I can register for the half, blow my PR (personal record) out of the water and have a great time. I can be there to cheer some of my half-marathon friends and all of my marathon friends across the finish line.

I can spend more time cross-training (and actually lose weight). I can take those barre fitness classes I bought the groupon for. I can do yoga and strength training if I back off my running. I can be a well-rounded athlete. I honestly believe my running will be strengthened. 

So why am I having such a hard time changing my mind and not running a second marathon in the spring? Why can't I just commit to the half and get over it already?